So I’ve been thinking about losing weight lately… Don’t get me wrong, after years of agonizing and self deprecating words I’ve finally become comfortable with my size. I finally see myself as beautiful and all that mumbo jumbo… But now, I dunno. I’m not pressed at all to lose weight. I’m just thinking about it because its the healthy thing to do and because my father is always worried about my eating habits and what not. Also (now that I have my own sense of style) it would open up several fashion/clothing related possibilities to me. Not a Jennifer Hudson kind of loss though. I’m about a 20 now so maybe like a nice 14. So I can skim the regular people size stores and the plus size stores.
The thing is I’m actually kind of nervous about it. I have this residual dream from when I was in high school that if I lost weight people would pay me more attention and like me and find me more attractive. But now that possibility bothers me. Like if I lose weight and people that are already in my life start treating me differently I would be aggravated. I would find them shallow and shun them. And the men that I meet I’ll always wonder, “if I was my old size would you still talk to me?” Will I find myself at a smaller size beautiful? Will I get addicted to the compliments and not be able to stop? I almost want to stay “big” in protest.
Maybe I’m subconsciously conforming to society’s standard of beauty? That upsets me most of all. Maybe the insecure 11 year old fat girl that lives inside of me has more say than I thought. And then I ask myself, am I really losing weight for the right reasons? Lately I’ve been wondering, “am I attractive?” I mean, I find myself to be quite beautiful *wink*… I think I keep myself up. But it doesn’t mean others see me that way you know? I have a lot to think about. Either way after I get my license, I think I’m going to join the local YMCA or Rec Center and start hitting the gym. Whether its for the right reasons or not…
