My Stream of Conciousness...

So I’ve been thinking about losing weight lately… Don’t get me wrong, after years of agonizing and self deprecating words I’ve finally become comfortable with my size. I finally see myself as beautiful and all that mumbo jumbo… But now, I dunno. I’m not pressed at all to lose weight. I’m just thinking about it because its the healthy thing to do and because my father is always worried about my eating habits and what not. Also (now that I have my own sense of style) it would open up several fashion/clothing related possibilities to me. Not a Jennifer Hudson kind of loss though. I’m about a 20 now so maybe like a nice 14. So I can skim the regular people size stores and the plus size stores.

The thing is I’m actually kind of nervous about it. I have this residual dream from when I was in high school that if I lost weight people would pay me more attention and like me and find me more attractive. But now that possibility bothers me. Like if I lose weight and people that are already in my life start treating me differently I would be aggravated. I would find them shallow and shun them. And the men that I meet I’ll always wonder, “if I was my old size would you still talk to me?” Will I find myself at a smaller size beautiful? Will I get addicted to the compliments and not be able to stop? I almost want to stay “big” in protest.

Maybe I’m subconsciously conforming to society’s standard of beauty? That upsets me most of all. Maybe the insecure 11 year old fat girl that lives inside of me has more say than I thought. And then I ask myself, am I really losing weight for the right reasons? Lately I’ve been wondering, “am I attractive?” I mean, I find myself to be quite beautiful *wink*… I think I keep myself up. But it doesn’t mean others see me that way you know? I have a lot to think about. Either way after I get my license, I think I’m going to join the local YMCA or Rec Center and start hitting the gym. Whether its for the right reasons or not…

I’m so psyched because I just saw Dormtainment on MTV’s ad for the next season of Prank’d. More F**king With Chaz. Lol. I love those guys.

So tonight I did my first official alumni activity. I headed out to a local city with one of my closest friends to watch my Alma Matter compete in a basketball game. Even though our team lost I had an amazing time.

I know in my last blog I complained about how awful my life has been lately but tonight was fun. I cheered insanely crazy and loudly while home team fans looked at me like I was stupid. I displayed the deep pride that I have for my university AND I got to meet some amazing frat brothers and sisters.

Tonight I realized that I really just need to give myself something to look forward to instead of simply slumming in the house. I’ve been excited because I’ve given myself projects. I’m working on professional portfolio, getting my learners permit tomorrow, and I might even have a job interview (although a temporary job) tomorrow. And next week I’m speaking to a local girls club. I just have to keep my head up and everything will be ok.

Welcome to my alumni life.

So I’m laying here drunk… In my friends house… Because it feels so good to be away from my parents house. (After living on my own, sometimes it doesn’t feel like home). So faded I can’t feel my lips when I realize this is the best I’ve felt in weeks… But that’s not good… Because I’m drunk. But these last few weeks have been so frustrating. I just feel so… Lost in this world. Yes I have a degree but I miss the undergraduate life so bad. And maybe it’s for the wrong reasons. Because I love to party… Because I miss my best friend… Because I hate living under my parent’s roof… Because I had some goals that were denied me… Because I was a campus celebrity and people adored me in college but now I only have two friends.

I just kind of despise my life right now. And I try to stay positive I really do. I have heard all the encouraging words one can hear. And I have faith in God that something will come through but RIGHT NOW… This shit sucks and I’m gonna tell you why (because no one reads this blog anyway.)

1. I love my parents and I’m so blessed that they’re supporting me and they let me come back home. But I hate living at their house. There’s no room for me. A month and a half after I’ve graduated and I’m still living out of a suitcase. Getting harassed because there are 4 utensils and 1 plate in the sink. 2. I have no job and no money. I tutor my mother and do photography for her for some funds and I am SO appreciative of that. But it’s not enough. Afraid to spend money because I have to penny pinch to pay minuscule bills. 3. I’m so lonely here. I have 2 friends here who are amazing and one whose house I’m laying in right now. I long for some male companionship (NOT SEX) but its hard to do that when you live at home, plus I don’t know any guys here. Hell, if I had a guy to drunk text I probably wouldn’t be up here right now. There is one, who has supported me through all of this… whom I find absolutely amazing… and who gives great advice. But he’s just a friend and will likely stay that way.

I’m just rambling. Eventually I’ll do a blog about my goals and what not its just hard right now. Because when you drink you feel good, but you only see the bad. But I know… It’ll get better. Its simply difficult to see past this moment. But I’m too faded to say anything else so… Goodnight.